Posted on March 8, 2025

Picture yourself walking into a busy cafe. You check the room not just for an available table, but for the intricate interplay of people and, presumably, a performance of sorts.

A man at a distant table is alone, his shoulders slightly hunched, his gaze nailed to a point somewhere between thought and the knotted part of his belly - the kind of secret he'd look away to keep. 

A couple at the next table sways towards each other, their laughter is platinum, their hands speaking in a dialect of silent dirt. And you, by chance, might witness all of this and wonder. Every day's a show, the actors are us. 

The understanding of human behaviour is a powerful skill, and it starts with the most important relationship of all - the one you have with yourself. Before you can really figure out the complex signals that others send, you must navigate the landscape of your own inner world

Consider it an exercise in adjusting an instrument. Should a musician's instrument be out of tune, they cannot create harmonious melodies. And in much the same way, if you are not in tune with your own emotional, bias-ridden, and motivational states, you cannot understand the intricate and subtle social symphonies we compose through our interactions.

Reflect on the times when you've acted without thinking and then interrogated yourself about those actions.

For instance, a hasty comment may have ignited a surprising and immediate outpouring of anger.

Or perhaps a straightforward decision left you feeling strangely uncomfortable and at odds with yourself. In my work and life, I’ve had plenty of these moments. What I’ve come to realise is that they often reveal the concealed patterns that run our minds, the not-so-obvious biases that distort our perceptions and judgments. 

Examining the outer world and the silent signals that every individual we encounter conveys to us is now in order. Envision an interaction between a pair of individuals where the dialogue appears perfectly satisfactory, even pleasant, but what's really lurking just below the surface? You guessed it - tension.

You might sense that when you're in the same room with certain individuals. Some might call that reading a person or a room, while more scientifically inclined would use terms like "ambient perception" or "haptic perception" (for the latter, see Hartley, 2012). But what if, instead of merely reading a situation, we were able to more accurately describe the unspoken signals that we're all constantly using?

What if we could break down nonverbal communication into its constituent parts and teach those parts to people who mostly don't know them?

Understanding another person is not a matter of chance or of being just a little bit lucky. It's something that must be worked at. 

The work goes in two directions. 

One is the simple direction that almost always yields results, moving inside the other person to see what life is like from their point of view. The other direction is a bit trickier, it's the direction we almost always go in, but we should strive to avoid. This is the direction of judging and making decisions about the other person. 

I make no secret of it - I believe that empathy is the bridge that connects us to one another. Yet, we must remember that the ability to "read people" comes with a weighty responsibility. 

Deciphering our subtle cues should never be used for manipulation or exploitation. And if you think that's an overprotective sentiment, remember - For centuries, our kind has been depicted as nefarious. Indeed, many of us exist in the underworld or the twilight edges of society, using our abilities to con our way to the top or earn our keep. 

But none of that should be seen as an example to follow, either by emulating our methods or justifying the ends with reasoned or rationalised ethical arguments.